We left knowing we would not be back.
“My heart is no longer in this place,” said Ivan on one of our evening walks with Roy, and sadly I had to agree.
Road where we took Roy for walks
There can be no home without the heart.
We parted civilly enough. Very rarely did I go to the kitchen now, but Ivan felt it only polite to seek Cleo out there and say our farewells. She was courteous and came out to see us off, but she did not invite us back, and we did not say anything about our future plans.
It is amazing how circumstances force you to adapt. I would never have imagined that my relationship with Cleo would come to this, avoiding each other as best we could and, when it could not be avoided, greeting each other with a polite “Hello” and falsely brittle smile. There was no animosity now, no signs of displeasure and feeling that I had done something wrong. There was only indifference and superficial courtesy. We were beings far apart, at one time coming close to feel each other out, but then realizing we did not match, did not suit each other, although I had been so willing to make the glove fit and had actually been convinced that it did, that it was the missing glove I was looking for. But I did not have the Knowledge I have now to defend myself and show me my true worth. And perhaps it would have been pointless and futile to have tried. Perhaps it is for the best that I was without Knowledge then, without the Knowledge I have now.
There must be a starting point at any juncture of development. You must start from where you are, not from where you want to be. You start here in the understanding that you are without Knowledge. That is not to say that Knowledge is not with you. It is simply to say that you are not with Knowledge. Knowledge is waiting for you to proceed. Knowledge is waiting to give itself to you. Therefore, you are beginning now to prepare to be in relationship with Knowledge, the greater aspect of mind that you have brought with you from your Ancient Home.
To accept this Knowledge I have to be ready for it to point me in a direction I was not expecting, be prepared to do things that were not in my plans. My plans were to live in a house in the country, even live alone, but this, at least for the foreseeable future, was not to be. If nothing else, the experiences this summer showed me that I certainly needed to abandon the idea of living alone. There is no way I could manage on my own living in the secluded spot I imagined for myself. I have come to the awareness that I do not want to shun people after all, I still do not embrace the social life, but I do not feel the reluctance to make social contact or the discomfort I felt it entailed as much as I used to. I am still very comfortable with my current lifestyle—my work, my morning walk/jog in the woods with Ivan, studying the New Message and doing the Steps to Knowledge as I can, having little contact with anyone else—but I am open to connecting if the opportunity presents itself.
Not long after we returned to Moscow, in September, the woman from the administration called us to let us know that all the preliminaries had finally been taken care of, the announcement had gone into the paper, and the date had been set for the auction—October 3. Well, how do you like that? At first it seemed like another slap in the face, but when I was telling Mum about it during one of our Saturday telephone conversations, she said it was as though things had begun moving after we had let go and relinquished the idea. Ivan told the woman we were no longer interested. And that was that.
The idea was born and the idea died. No, that is not true, the idea is still alive, only now I am willing to wait for my house in the country, wait to see what comes up, wait to see how things unfold as I take the Steps to Knowledge.