Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Trying to Fit A Square Peg Into A Round Hole

Trying to fit a square peg into a round hole is a thankless task, an exercise in futility. I tried to join in what Timothy and Cleo were offering, but I just did not fit. I asked to join Timothy and the other women who had arrived to visit on their sunrise walks to the forest to read the Violet Flame incantations. I was told to meet them at 5 am outside the house, only to find they had departed half-an-hour earlier, leaving me in a state of perplexed confusion to wait for them. I did not read Russian well and would spoil the resonance they sought as they all read in unison. I was not told this in so many words, but this was the implication, this was the tacit understanding I came to and so I asked to join them on their sunrise excursions no more.

I thought I might join in the Tai Chi exercise sessions that Cleo arranged with the other woman, or the Ohm chanting, or the collective reading of the Violet Flame incantations in the evenings in Timothy’s room. Or join the women’s chats over tea in the stuffy kitchen. But I had my own work schedule to meet and tried to take advantage of the times the Internet was working, so I was not available for the group meetings. And I did not fit in anyway. I find little value in group therapy when the participants are not really listening to what the others have to say but only waiting for their turn to speak.

I asked for Sergei Lazarev’s books to read and began with Book One. The Russian words did not flow easily into my brain and I had trouble following the logic. I did not resonate with the ideas presented, although I tried and even attempted to give a resume of what I had read the evening before to Timothy and Cleo the next morning. Ivan also began reading it, but found only scathing remarks to make, saying there was nothing new in what this guru wrote, and what academic background, education, did he have anyway that substantiated the ideas he offered?

One evening while Ivan and I were taking Roy, the dog, for his daily walk, Ivan announced that if I became drawn into Timothy and Cleo’s “sect,” as he called it, he would refuse to live in the village. I felt the physical impact of his words, as though I had been struck. I still wanted to live in this village no matter what and did not want to listen to any negative thoughts about the prospects for making my dream come true. I was unprepared at that moment to step down and admit I had made a mistake about this place. I did not want to acknowledge that it was not all it was cracked up to be after all and, despite all my assurances to myself that this was where I belonged, this was where my heart was, I had to wake up to the daunting realization that I was indeed trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

Not only was I trying to convince myself that an unworkable situation would work if I exerted enough effort and placed my faith in the bounties of Providence, I was also allowing other people to convince me of my unworthiness. If I were indeed to honor myself as it calls for in Step 144, I could no longer permit myself to be influenced by people who really knew nothing about me. Could I really believe that their judgment of me was truer than my own judgment of myself?

Step 144. I Will Honor Myself Today.

Honor yourself because of your heritage, because of your destiny and because of your purpose. Honor yourself because life honors you. Honor yourself because God is honored in God’s Creation in you. This eclipses all the evaluations that you have made upon yourself. This is greater than any criticism that you have levied against yourself. This is greater than any pride that you have used to offset your pain.

In simplicity and humility remind yourself upon the hour to honor yourself. In your two deeper practices today, allow yourself to experience the presence of Knowledge, for this honors you and honors Knowledge as well. Honor yourself this day so that Knowledge may be honored, for in reality you are Knowledge. This is your True Self, but it is a Self that you are only now beginning to reclaim.

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