I love the song Blue Café by Chris Rea with its haunting melody and soul-searching words. And it seems to fit with the next stage in my journey, since I thought I knew where I was going, but it turned out I did not.
Throughout the winter months I went into hibernation. Upon our return to Moscow, I looked up Telos (these were the books Timothy and Cleo were studying and using in their meditations) and did some more research into Sergei Lazarev (Timothy and Cleo began talking about him and his teaching from the very outset, the first time we sat in their kitchen and drank tea and honey with them. They have all his books and videos, and if anyone comes to see them with questions or problems they sit them down to watch what Sergei Lazarev has to say).
Now let me say at this juncture that, in general, I have no bone to pick with the Violet Flame or the Diagnostics of Karma, they may be all very well and good. However, I have to admit to having a skeptical streak to my nature and tend to feel resistance to suggestions, however subtle they may be, to follow a certain teaching hook, line and sinker. So I took Adama and his Mount Shasta, as well as Lazarev and his “the meaning of life is love for God” with a pinch of salt. And what did this concept of putting your love for God above all else really mean anyway? As Timothy and Cleo presented it, it meant putting God before any significant others in your life, following what you thought God was asking you to do and not what your husband (in my case) was asking you to do. But how do I really know what God is asking me to do and might it not be possible that God’s love is expressed, manifested, through a significant other? How can I know?
Ivan was very leery of Sergei Lazarev, the Violet Flame meditations, Timothy and Cleo’s preaching about karma and love for God, and so if I wanted to follow these calls, I would need to do it surreptitiously, while looking over my shoulder. Rather stupid really, but in so doing was I not just confirming my own suspicions and leeriness anyway? Was my inclination to look over my shoulder not nudged by my own uncertainty that I was taking the right path?
I take comfort in this passage from The Sacred Life: There is much to be done. There is great focus. There are important accomplishments. But people want the answer now. They are unwilling to live with the questions. But it is only living with the questions that brings the real answers to you in time. This takes self-confidence and self-trust and self-appreciation and the support of at least one wise companion to remind you and to warn you of your predispositions and errors.
Now let me make it clear here that I am not totally convinced that Ivan is my “wise companion” as inferred in this passage, but on the other hand, why not? It was he who was ultimately able to remind me and warn me of my predispositions and errors. And was this not an example of what it says in Step 134. I Will Not Define My Purpose For Myself: If you are not living upon your definitions, the world cannot harm you, for it cannot touch the place of Knowledge that is within you. Only Knowledge can touch Knowledge. Only Knowledge in another can touch Knowledge within you. Only Knowledge within you can touch Knowledge in another.
I am wondering at this point if this Knowledge in one person touching Knowledge in another person is not a recognition of God's love and putting this love above all else.
"The emergence of Knowledge is like a great pregnancy. Your lifestyle and your values must change to accommodate it because like the expectant mother, you will wish to prepare a place for delivery: the proper environment, the proper support and the proper orientation. And you will protect this emergence because it is vital now."
After a few calls to the administration office to ask about our application and what progress was being made, we were told that nothing further would transpire before June. So we kept planning and dreaming.
Several calls to Timothy and Cleo assured us they were waiting for us, but without the previous enthusiasm, it seemed, plus there was talk about other guests arriving soon from St. Petersburg. This had been an ongoing topic of discussion and in the past when it came up we had been told we were always welcome and could have the room on the second floor, if push came to shove. It was not ready for living in, but it could be made ready if needed.
June dragged on, but we were still not ready to leave. At the beginning of July, we decided we did not want to put off leaving any longer. I should have been excited that we were finally on our way, but something niggled at me, something made me reluctant, something clouded the joy I felt I should be feeling. But I pushed it aside as I could not put my finger on what it was, apart from personal shortcomings that I should be able to overcome by now.